1 month 2 days

If I sit and think about my life so far, everything is a blur. What have I done, what have I said, what did I mean, who did I meet and where did I go. I have done a lot in my life, I have said a lot believe me I have a hard time keeping anything inside, I have meant a lot of what I said and there are moments I say things I would never mean, but it sounds good at that time... I have met a lot of new people, some I wish I would have never met in the first place and others will be my friends for life... I have been in more states then I think I have ever wanted to be or ever thought I would be in my life. I have learn to live in one spot for less than a year, make friends in less than a week, unpack a house in less then 24 hours, even pack up and clean a house to military code to move out in less than 24 hours, But what have I really done? Who have I become? I can feel myself changing, becoming more closed off and stuck to the people that live in my house with me. Maybe that is because my parents were never really family people, and I longed for that as a child... Or maybe it is simply because I love what I have and I want to press myself as far into them as I can before my time runs out. My best friend left Jan. 25th 2010 that would make it 1 month and 2 days into this thing I call hell with orders. This is awful, one of the worst things I have ever felt in my entire life, yet on the other hand it is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will just keep the title hell with orders because it has put me and my best friend in places we have never dreamed and made us do things that we would have never normally done... we are made to do things and keep going because we have no choice. There is NO changing your mind it is simply not an option. I have felt everything I could possibly feel ever all in one month. I miss him at moments so bad that I lose all functions and I just sit and stare. I am pasted the crying stage I am totally numb. Other times I walk around like I have been doing this for years. Feeling these feelings and having the thoughts I have I now call "AWBS" Army Wife Bipolar Syndrome... It fits! I have never been the type to wake up in the middle of the night but 3 nights ago I woke up for no reason, kids weren't up nothing, so why was I up? I hit my phone to see what the time was 3:51am... So I laid there and I stared off for what seemed like forever, than I really felt weird like I was suppose to be doing something... something said to me you need to pray for him... I am not a prayer, this has to deal with my childhood as well, thank you mom you ruined that part... but anyways I did it. Then the next day I didn't hear from him.... 48 hours later he called, now I know why I was praying, but we won't go into that... It is funny how God works and how things happen for a reason. Jeremy and I have always had this thing, we always jump into everything with both feet, and when you think normal people wouldn't make it, we always do. We have been in some VERY bad places but we always remind each other we will make it through this too. So my eyes are closed and I have jumped... now if I only had a fast forward button...... She types her life away in some random place.... He has my heart and I will see him again..... bookmarked <3