It's been awhile

Well Spring has finally sprung and I can say I couldn't be happier. Easter went pretty well despite our missing link. The kids have played so much that they can barely make 7pm without passing out somewhere. Which I might add is nice. Toby is getting huge, I wanted a big dog well I got one. He is like another kid and need attention just like they do. We have got to see Jeremy through web cam a lot lately which is always nice to see his face while talking to him. It makes a world of difference to the girls. Mayle is finally opening up to the fact that he is gone for now, but he is still there. I think she thought he was really gone for good there for awhile she refused to talk on the phone or even look at his face through the cam. Masa thought my razor was a toothbrush and shaved off the end of her thumb, it finally stopped bleeding after 2 days. Makenzi ran away the other day, well not for real but all the kids were riding bikes outside and I noticed that she was no where to be found. My neighbor and I looked for her for a good 45 mins and then I got in the car and went driving to see if I could find her. I found her on the other side of our housing area playing in a little girls back yard. She was in trouble the rest of the day, she asked me what I was going to do... I told her I was about to call the cops, she had this weird look on her face and said "OH" That night at about 11pm she came to me and said "Mommy I will not run away from you again" Maddison she is just a living terror, she wouldn't listen to me even if I paid her. I think this deployment has affected them all differently but for Maddi she has just became a nightmare. We are almost 3 months into this deployment and it feel like forever. I have just became numb to the fact and really lost all feeling. I was told this would happen but I never really thought it would. I think your mind can only miss someone so long before it just shuts itself off. For me with 4 kids I have just drifted, I can see I now want my own life, I know some of you may think I have a life, but honestly I feel like I don't. Routinely I just want to scream because I am so bored. I tried reading and yes it passes time, I tried blogging every night but you can see it has been weeks now... It's time for a "LIFE" if that is a job, or school, something has got to give or I am going to be pulling what hair I have left out. Anyways I just thought I would type a little to give an update. This is 2 months 16 days.... Bookmarked <3

To connect first you have to disconnect

I have been thinking a lot about my childhood and what I have become. In this I search for a moment that was good with my mother and what comes to mind is when my mother and I went Skycoasting in Branson Missouri. That was my childhood memory. My adult memory was when my mother was in the delivery room when I had Maddison. Skycoasting is about like our relationship has been... ups and downs never really connected, then you stop swinging and get off the ride. I feel she was part of my life to be an example, well that she honestly was... I never felt my mother spoke out for herself, so I made my mind up at an early age, I was going to be loud. People were going to hear me and I could careless what people think when they hear me or see me. My mother never really did anything with her life and I am totally the other way. When I go to my grave I want to slide in sideways and say "NOW THAT WAS ONE CRAZY RIDE" Jeremy knows this, I will tell him what I think when I think it and how I feel. I am stubborn, but when something needs to be done and it is my place I go for it, what's the worst that could happen? Be told NO? oh god forbid that ever happen, be turned down haha many times, be used... well I can say more then once. If I never had a mistake to make and I always let people do things for me, what would I have become? Nothing, I would sit at home and expect everything. My mom cut me out of her life at an early age, I am not afraid to say it and she knows she did. She married an abusive man, and I will stand and say he is awful. I have never seen or mat anyone like him ever again and I hope I never do. At 15 I walked away, I was bound to make something for myself and get out of what they put me through, and I did. I was stubborn then, not in a bad way, just no one was going to hold me down. Then after about 3-4 years she came back around, not for me but for my daughters now 6 and 7... She was around for Makenzi a little but then she faded... She came back around for Maddison and was there for her birth, which was a strong moment in my life, having a baby that weight 9lbs 1oz and 22in WITHOUT drugs. She was what got me through that delivery... but then she walked away again. It almost seems to me like she wanted attention for me, or off of me. I maybe totally wrong, but why come in and out? Why be wishy washy with you daughter? Maybe she was scared of me and what I was becoming, because I see myself as a much strong woman then she will ever be. She taught me how much a daughter really needs her mother. Maybe that is why I have 4 daughters and no son? I will NEVER make my children think they can't come to me, I do not care what it is, I want to know. I do not care why or how, what or when, I just want to be there for them. She never was there, and when she was she left again shortly after. She has made me hard, and what I mean by that is that I can let out my feelings in writing but most of who I am comes out in anger. People say I come across as the bitch, not by my words but just how I look. Odd because I am outspoken and if you give me a reason to "not" like you then I have no problem dropping whatever it is an leaving you sitting. ok maybe I am a bitch... thanks Mother! There is tons more but I just had to let that out. I honestly wish my mom was someone I could talk to, because deployment is rough, when a mother should help with her daughter and granddaughters, but it's her loss. My daughters will grow up with no grandmother and I wish it was different because I loved my times with my grandparents as a child. What can you do.... Bookmarked 1 month 19 days in <3

I've only just a minute

I've only just a minute,
Only sixty seconds in it.
Forced upon me, can't refuse it,
Didn't seek it, didn't choose it,
But it's up to me to use it.
I must suffer if I lose it,
Give an account if I abuse it,
Just a tiny little minute,
But eternity is in it.

By Dr. Benjamin E. Mays


I can’t remember any of my phone numbers while growing up, all of my many pet’s name, and or what exactly my childhood address was but I remember this poem. I’m not sure where exactly I first heard it or why it stuck with me through all these years but something about God’s Minute was so important to me that I can remember as a child, teen, and adult reciting it word for word. It always seemed to offer comfort and give me something to hold on and look forward to.

Our minutes aren’t our own. Each of them belong to God. No matter what life deals us through the day-to-day details; Someone stronger, bigger, and better than us owns the minutes that make up our lives. Isn’t that comforting considering how hard life can sometimes be? Our Father who has promised to care for us, love us, and never leave us has been with us through ever minute we have ever faced.

He was there the minute we were born, the minute we met our spouse, the minute our children were born and He will be there the minute we die. He holds us through the hard times and smiles at us through the good times. He knows that each minute we face is filled with sin and temptation. He understands that stress and exhaustion sometimes fill our minutes. He’s there through the disappointing minutes, the sorrowful minutes and the minutes we spend celebrating and laughing. He loans us each minute and promises that we will never have to meet one without His presence.

While you’re using the minutes that will eventually make up this day, stop and spend some of them with God. Thank Him for the love, concern, and time He have given and continues to give us. And remember: God owns our minutes, it’s up to us how we will use them.

So how are you using yours?

I can keep my pants buttoned....

No, I'm not referring to the fact that I'm thin enough I can button my pants. I'm referring to the disgraceful rate of infidelity among military wives. (Again, if you're a nice, non-cheating military wife, SMILE, you're the exception. If you're offended because you're cheating- or have before- well, don't shoot the messenger). This absolutely drives me crazy... Is "Sex" in my brain yes it sure is this is the longest I have ever went without a man in my bed in about 10 years, but I have other things to worry about. The health an well being of my children, making a life for myself just in case something should go wrong. I just don't understand how people can only think of themselves.... What the heck is wrong with you people???? Honestly I just want to choke you. Vows? got vows? Anyone? Some people just make me sick, male and female... it's like oooooh she has legs I bet she can spread them... really? I am so fed up with watching this go on that I could shut my doors, pull my blinds and hide for the rest of the year. I love my husband too much to take my wedding ring off and crawl under the sheets with someone else for something that will last a whole 30 mins and I will feel like crap tomorrow. Sometimes I don't even want to call myself a military wife... it's full of drama, he said she said... and I am not over weight and I can keep my pants buttoned... NOTICE I HAVE A BIG MOUTH, GUESS YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO PISS ME OFF NOW IT'S TOO LATE.... 1 month 17 days Bookmarked <3

JUMP JUMP JUMP... The missing piece

Tonight we went to jump zone and the kids had so much fun jumping and sliding. This was a gift from daddy, and I told them before we left "daddy said to take you out tonight" they were all happy and had huge smiles. Maddi said "I told you if dad was here he would take us mom" On the ride home we made it back on post and Mayle said "Mom I really miss daddy" I said "I know I do too" Then it just went down the line of them all saying how much they miss him. Makenzi said "Mom there is no boy in our house without dad, you know" Masa said "We have to save his seat ok" Mayle was like "Next time we should bring our daddy doll so he can come too" I love taking them places I really do, but it is things like these where they really miss him. He is more of a kid then I am, although I did go in the octopus and some of the slides :) When we go out as a family there is this hole that can't be filled. Jeremy I just want you to know we really miss you more then words can say and in times like tonight there is a really really big whole for me and the girls. Just do what you have to do and get yourself back here in one healthy piece... Bookmarked 1 month 16 days.........

Lemon part 2

Well the van is back in the shop... I went to take Mayle and Masa to school today and I made it to the stop light on post, I had the music up and the windows down (it was a pretty day after the sun came out) I was waiting for the light to turn green and the thing started acting like it was going to die, then it did.... so I started it again holding my foot on the gas and the break trying to keep it running and then the check engine light came on. CRAP! AGAIN!!! Are you kidding me, this makes 3 times in 1 month. So it drove to drop the girls off and then I started it again at the school... all the way back home it was sputtered all the way back to the house. So I made up my mind I was driving to to the shop... I headed to the shop every stop light or stop sign it died... I made it to the shop parking lot and lost EVERYTHING like someone took my battery out. It wouldn't even turn over...NOTHING... they came out pushed it in the shop and then about an hour later they came back and said it was a defective computer from when I had it in the shop and they replaced over 2 grand worth of parts. They then said it was their fault and they would replace everything again and pay for my rental. Some once again my van is not at home and it is at the car doctor.... BLAH!!! 1 month 15 days Bookmarked

3rd BCT Soldiers killed

"He which hath no stomach to this fight let him depart. But we in it shall be remembered. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers!! For he today, that sheds his blood with me, shall always be my brother”. Rest in peace my Brother(s), you have not been forgotten. (William Shakespeare) Rest in Peace Rakkasan! HOOAH!!!



I guess heaven was needing a hero, somebody just like you. Brave enough, to stand up for what you believe, and follow it through. When I try to make it make sense in my mind, the only conclusion I come to, is that heaven was needing a hero like you....


"For there is no greater love than for a man to give his life for his friends." --John 15:13 God Bless



Headin' back out there just one more time
tryin' to keep my head up

THE LONG PLANE RIDE HAS NOTHING ON ME.
IM ABOVE THE CLOUDS, NOT FEELIN A THING

LORD GOD WILLING, ILL BE WITH HIM SOON!

~Look up at this sky, let out a big sigh,
go ahead and cry. Cause im already gone!

I thought they said you could hear the ping.
All I felt was the sting.

Crying for my momma,
wantin to wake up from this bad dream

now theres no pain, no stain,
cause im watching over you!~

all the glass was shattering, my whole world coming down right on top of me.

As I felt the hard blow,
all I could know,

IS

THAT ALL I WANT YOU TO DO
is to:
~ Look up at this sky, let out a big sigh,
go ahead and cry. Cause im already gone!

I thought they said you could hear the ping.
All I felt was the sting.

Crying for my momma,
wantin to wake up from this bad dream

now theres no pain, no stain,
cause im watching over you!~

I know you miss me already,
and I do miss you!

But please just be happy that im in a better place

~OOOOOOOHHHHH, please just Look up at this sky, let out a big sigh,
go ahead and cry. Cause im already gone!

I thought they said you could hear that ping.
But All I felt was the sting.

Crying for my momma,
wantin to wake up from this bad dream

now theres no pain, no stain,
But please just remember, that im watching over you!~






1 month 14 days <3 Bookmarked :(