I have been thinking a lot about my childhood and what I have become. In this I search for a moment that was good with my mother and what comes to mind is when my mother and I went Skycoasting in Branson Missouri. That was my childhood memory. My adult memory was when my mother was in the delivery room when I had Maddison. Skycoasting is about like our relationship has been... ups and downs never really connected, then you stop swinging and get off the ride. I feel she was part of my life to be an example, well that she honestly was... I never felt my mother spoke out for herself, so I made my mind up at an early age, I was going to be loud. People were going to hear me and I could careless what people think when they hear me or see me. My mother never really did anything with her life and I am totally the other way. When I go to my grave I want to slide in sideways and say "NOW THAT WAS ONE CRAZY RIDE" Jeremy knows this, I will tell him what I think when I think it and how I feel. I am stubborn, but when something needs to be done and it is my place I go for it, what's the worst that could happen? Be told NO? oh god forbid that ever happen, be turned down haha many times, be used... well I can say more then once. If I never had a mistake to make and I always let people do things for me, what would I have become? Nothing, I would sit at home and expect everything. My mom cut me out of her life at an early age, I am not afraid to say it and she knows she did. She married an abusive man, and I will stand and say he is awful. I have never seen or mat anyone like him ever again and I hope I never do. At 15 I walked away, I was bound to make something for myself and get out of what they put me through, and I did. I was stubborn then, not in a bad way, just no one was going to hold me down. Then after about 3-4 years she came back around, not for me but for my daughters now 6 and 7... She was around for Makenzi a little but then she faded... She came back around for Maddison and was there for her birth, which was a strong moment in my life, having a baby that weight 9lbs 1oz and 22in WITHOUT drugs. She was what got me through that delivery... but then she walked away again. It almost seems to me like she wanted attention for me, or off of me. I maybe totally wrong, but why come in and out? Why be wishy washy with you daughter? Maybe she was scared of me and what I was becoming, because I see myself as a much strong woman then she will ever be. She taught me how much a daughter really needs her mother. Maybe that is why I have 4 daughters and no son? I will NEVER make my children think they can't come to me, I do not care what it is, I want to know. I do not care why or how, what or when, I just want to be there for them. She never was there, and when she was she left again shortly after. She has made me hard, and what I mean by that is that I can let out my feelings in writing but most of who I am comes out in anger. People say I come across as the bitch, not by my words but just how I look. Odd because I am outspoken and if you give me a reason to "not" like you then I have no problem dropping whatever it is an leaving you sitting. ok maybe I am a bitch... thanks Mother! There is tons more but I just had to let that out. I honestly wish my mom was someone I could talk to, because deployment is rough, when a mother should help with her daughter and granddaughters, but it's her loss. My daughters will grow up with no grandmother and I wish it was different because I loved my times with my grandparents as a child. What can you do.... Bookmarked 1 month 19 days in <3
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