It's been awhile

Well Spring has finally sprung and I can say I couldn't be happier. Easter went pretty well despite our missing link. The kids have played so much that they can barely make 7pm without passing out somewhere. Which I might add is nice. Toby is getting huge, I wanted a big dog well I got one. He is like another kid and need attention just like they do. We have got to see Jeremy through web cam a lot lately which is always nice to see his face while talking to him. It makes a world of difference to the girls. Mayle is finally opening up to the fact that he is gone for now, but he is still there. I think she thought he was really gone for good there for awhile she refused to talk on the phone or even look at his face through the cam. Masa thought my razor was a toothbrush and shaved off the end of her thumb, it finally stopped bleeding after 2 days. Makenzi ran away the other day, well not for real but all the kids were riding bikes outside and I noticed that she was no where to be found. My neighbor and I looked for her for a good 45 mins and then I got in the car and went driving to see if I could find her. I found her on the other side of our housing area playing in a little girls back yard. She was in trouble the rest of the day, she asked me what I was going to do... I told her I was about to call the cops, she had this weird look on her face and said "OH" That night at about 11pm she came to me and said "Mommy I will not run away from you again" Maddison she is just a living terror, she wouldn't listen to me even if I paid her. I think this deployment has affected them all differently but for Maddi she has just became a nightmare. We are almost 3 months into this deployment and it feel like forever. I have just became numb to the fact and really lost all feeling. I was told this would happen but I never really thought it would. I think your mind can only miss someone so long before it just shuts itself off. For me with 4 kids I have just drifted, I can see I now want my own life, I know some of you may think I have a life, but honestly I feel like I don't. Routinely I just want to scream because I am so bored. I tried reading and yes it passes time, I tried blogging every night but you can see it has been weeks now... It's time for a "LIFE" if that is a job, or school, something has got to give or I am going to be pulling what hair I have left out. Anyways I just thought I would type a little to give an update. This is 2 months 16 days.... Bookmarked <3

To connect first you have to disconnect

I have been thinking a lot about my childhood and what I have become. In this I search for a moment that was good with my mother and what comes to mind is when my mother and I went Skycoasting in Branson Missouri. That was my childhood memory. My adult memory was when my mother was in the delivery room when I had Maddison. Skycoasting is about like our relationship has been... ups and downs never really connected, then you stop swinging and get off the ride. I feel she was part of my life to be an example, well that she honestly was... I never felt my mother spoke out for herself, so I made my mind up at an early age, I was going to be loud. People were going to hear me and I could careless what people think when they hear me or see me. My mother never really did anything with her life and I am totally the other way. When I go to my grave I want to slide in sideways and say "NOW THAT WAS ONE CRAZY RIDE" Jeremy knows this, I will tell him what I think when I think it and how I feel. I am stubborn, but when something needs to be done and it is my place I go for it, what's the worst that could happen? Be told NO? oh god forbid that ever happen, be turned down haha many times, be used... well I can say more then once. If I never had a mistake to make and I always let people do things for me, what would I have become? Nothing, I would sit at home and expect everything. My mom cut me out of her life at an early age, I am not afraid to say it and she knows she did. She married an abusive man, and I will stand and say he is awful. I have never seen or mat anyone like him ever again and I hope I never do. At 15 I walked away, I was bound to make something for myself and get out of what they put me through, and I did. I was stubborn then, not in a bad way, just no one was going to hold me down. Then after about 3-4 years she came back around, not for me but for my daughters now 6 and 7... She was around for Makenzi a little but then she faded... She came back around for Maddison and was there for her birth, which was a strong moment in my life, having a baby that weight 9lbs 1oz and 22in WITHOUT drugs. She was what got me through that delivery... but then she walked away again. It almost seems to me like she wanted attention for me, or off of me. I maybe totally wrong, but why come in and out? Why be wishy washy with you daughter? Maybe she was scared of me and what I was becoming, because I see myself as a much strong woman then she will ever be. She taught me how much a daughter really needs her mother. Maybe that is why I have 4 daughters and no son? I will NEVER make my children think they can't come to me, I do not care what it is, I want to know. I do not care why or how, what or when, I just want to be there for them. She never was there, and when she was she left again shortly after. She has made me hard, and what I mean by that is that I can let out my feelings in writing but most of who I am comes out in anger. People say I come across as the bitch, not by my words but just how I look. Odd because I am outspoken and if you give me a reason to "not" like you then I have no problem dropping whatever it is an leaving you sitting. ok maybe I am a bitch... thanks Mother! There is tons more but I just had to let that out. I honestly wish my mom was someone I could talk to, because deployment is rough, when a mother should help with her daughter and granddaughters, but it's her loss. My daughters will grow up with no grandmother and I wish it was different because I loved my times with my grandparents as a child. What can you do.... Bookmarked 1 month 19 days in <3

I've only just a minute

I've only just a minute,
Only sixty seconds in it.
Forced upon me, can't refuse it,
Didn't seek it, didn't choose it,
But it's up to me to use it.
I must suffer if I lose it,
Give an account if I abuse it,
Just a tiny little minute,
But eternity is in it.

By Dr. Benjamin E. Mays


I can’t remember any of my phone numbers while growing up, all of my many pet’s name, and or what exactly my childhood address was but I remember this poem. I’m not sure where exactly I first heard it or why it stuck with me through all these years but something about God’s Minute was so important to me that I can remember as a child, teen, and adult reciting it word for word. It always seemed to offer comfort and give me something to hold on and look forward to.

Our minutes aren’t our own. Each of them belong to God. No matter what life deals us through the day-to-day details; Someone stronger, bigger, and better than us owns the minutes that make up our lives. Isn’t that comforting considering how hard life can sometimes be? Our Father who has promised to care for us, love us, and never leave us has been with us through ever minute we have ever faced.

He was there the minute we were born, the minute we met our spouse, the minute our children were born and He will be there the minute we die. He holds us through the hard times and smiles at us through the good times. He knows that each minute we face is filled with sin and temptation. He understands that stress and exhaustion sometimes fill our minutes. He’s there through the disappointing minutes, the sorrowful minutes and the minutes we spend celebrating and laughing. He loans us each minute and promises that we will never have to meet one without His presence.

While you’re using the minutes that will eventually make up this day, stop and spend some of them with God. Thank Him for the love, concern, and time He have given and continues to give us. And remember: God owns our minutes, it’s up to us how we will use them.

So how are you using yours?

I can keep my pants buttoned....

No, I'm not referring to the fact that I'm thin enough I can button my pants. I'm referring to the disgraceful rate of infidelity among military wives. (Again, if you're a nice, non-cheating military wife, SMILE, you're the exception. If you're offended because you're cheating- or have before- well, don't shoot the messenger). This absolutely drives me crazy... Is "Sex" in my brain yes it sure is this is the longest I have ever went without a man in my bed in about 10 years, but I have other things to worry about. The health an well being of my children, making a life for myself just in case something should go wrong. I just don't understand how people can only think of themselves.... What the heck is wrong with you people???? Honestly I just want to choke you. Vows? got vows? Anyone? Some people just make me sick, male and female... it's like oooooh she has legs I bet she can spread them... really? I am so fed up with watching this go on that I could shut my doors, pull my blinds and hide for the rest of the year. I love my husband too much to take my wedding ring off and crawl under the sheets with someone else for something that will last a whole 30 mins and I will feel like crap tomorrow. Sometimes I don't even want to call myself a military wife... it's full of drama, he said she said... and I am not over weight and I can keep my pants buttoned... NOTICE I HAVE A BIG MOUTH, GUESS YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO PISS ME OFF NOW IT'S TOO LATE.... 1 month 17 days Bookmarked <3

JUMP JUMP JUMP... The missing piece

Tonight we went to jump zone and the kids had so much fun jumping and sliding. This was a gift from daddy, and I told them before we left "daddy said to take you out tonight" they were all happy and had huge smiles. Maddi said "I told you if dad was here he would take us mom" On the ride home we made it back on post and Mayle said "Mom I really miss daddy" I said "I know I do too" Then it just went down the line of them all saying how much they miss him. Makenzi said "Mom there is no boy in our house without dad, you know" Masa said "We have to save his seat ok" Mayle was like "Next time we should bring our daddy doll so he can come too" I love taking them places I really do, but it is things like these where they really miss him. He is more of a kid then I am, although I did go in the octopus and some of the slides :) When we go out as a family there is this hole that can't be filled. Jeremy I just want you to know we really miss you more then words can say and in times like tonight there is a really really big whole for me and the girls. Just do what you have to do and get yourself back here in one healthy piece... Bookmarked 1 month 16 days.........

Lemon part 2

Well the van is back in the shop... I went to take Mayle and Masa to school today and I made it to the stop light on post, I had the music up and the windows down (it was a pretty day after the sun came out) I was waiting for the light to turn green and the thing started acting like it was going to die, then it did.... so I started it again holding my foot on the gas and the break trying to keep it running and then the check engine light came on. CRAP! AGAIN!!! Are you kidding me, this makes 3 times in 1 month. So it drove to drop the girls off and then I started it again at the school... all the way back home it was sputtered all the way back to the house. So I made up my mind I was driving to to the shop... I headed to the shop every stop light or stop sign it died... I made it to the shop parking lot and lost EVERYTHING like someone took my battery out. It wouldn't even turn over...NOTHING... they came out pushed it in the shop and then about an hour later they came back and said it was a defective computer from when I had it in the shop and they replaced over 2 grand worth of parts. They then said it was their fault and they would replace everything again and pay for my rental. Some once again my van is not at home and it is at the car doctor.... BLAH!!! 1 month 15 days Bookmarked

3rd BCT Soldiers killed

"He which hath no stomach to this fight let him depart. But we in it shall be remembered. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers!! For he today, that sheds his blood with me, shall always be my brother”. Rest in peace my Brother(s), you have not been forgotten. (William Shakespeare) Rest in Peace Rakkasan! HOOAH!!!



I guess heaven was needing a hero, somebody just like you. Brave enough, to stand up for what you believe, and follow it through. When I try to make it make sense in my mind, the only conclusion I come to, is that heaven was needing a hero like you....


"For there is no greater love than for a man to give his life for his friends." --John 15:13 God Bless



Headin' back out there just one more time
tryin' to keep my head up

THE LONG PLANE RIDE HAS NOTHING ON ME.
IM ABOVE THE CLOUDS, NOT FEELIN A THING

LORD GOD WILLING, ILL BE WITH HIM SOON!

~Look up at this sky, let out a big sigh,
go ahead and cry. Cause im already gone!

I thought they said you could hear the ping.
All I felt was the sting.

Crying for my momma,
wantin to wake up from this bad dream

now theres no pain, no stain,
cause im watching over you!~

all the glass was shattering, my whole world coming down right on top of me.

As I felt the hard blow,
all I could know,

IS

THAT ALL I WANT YOU TO DO
is to:
~ Look up at this sky, let out a big sigh,
go ahead and cry. Cause im already gone!

I thought they said you could hear the ping.
All I felt was the sting.

Crying for my momma,
wantin to wake up from this bad dream

now theres no pain, no stain,
cause im watching over you!~

I know you miss me already,
and I do miss you!

But please just be happy that im in a better place

~OOOOOOOHHHHH, please just Look up at this sky, let out a big sigh,
go ahead and cry. Cause im already gone!

I thought they said you could hear that ping.
But All I felt was the sting.

Crying for my momma,
wantin to wake up from this bad dream

now theres no pain, no stain,
But please just remember, that im watching over you!~






1 month 14 days <3 Bookmarked :(

Things I miss....

1. His boots on my floor...




2. Him walking up behind me just to hold me, kiss me, whisper I love you...




4. This is a funny one I know but I miss seeing him in Full battle rattle...It may be heavy for him, it may be a little uncomfortable, but the sight of Jeremy in his full battle rattle.......love it!





5. Him playing his xbox games and ignoring every word I say, talking over me while I am talking to him because he is yelling at someone on the game.


6. Laying in bed and talking till 3am about nothing, until one of us passes out.


7. Arguing about stupid stuff that really don't even matter just because we can.


8. Having a 2nd opinion about anything, down to what color of towel should I buy.


9. Him coming home after PT and at Lunch.


10. Random text messages because he is bored.



The thing I miss the most well I won't say because he would be embarrassed... I will just say "TAGS" he will know what I am talking about....


Bookmarked 1 month 13 days <3

Silver lining

Lately it seems Ive been making a lot of the proverbial "lemonade". We've had a rough year, no doubt about it, but there's something about our army life that always brings the important things right back into view. Deployment, army life, army wife......Only an army wife can find the silver lining, and then weave into a beautiful work of art. Deployment when you talk to civilians, if that's family, friends, or just random people they all wince at the mere mention of a deployment, and begin dreading it for me months in advance. But another army wife, she knows exactly how to put into perspective. There were no questions about how long he'll be there, if I will get to talk to him, will he have to go again, or are you scared. Just a nod and a smile, because she knows, she's been there, or she is there right now. In an instant army girlfriends share a bond, a sisterhood bound by trials and separation. If I say something one of them has an answer to my question or a simple I know how to find out. I have done a lot on my own lately that I would have never dreamed I would do. I have saved a lot, cut a lot of corners, and put myself in places I never thought I would go or be. So for that I just want to thank my army girls, I want to thank my husband for showing me "WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH ANYTHING" and everyone out there that has made this last month and 11 days easier on my kids and I. Bookmarked <3

I hate this van!

I think we officially got screwed when we bought our van 1 1/2 years ago... It is now in the shop again and I have put more money into it then it is worth. I am waiting to hear back from the mechanic tomorrow to see what the deal is and then go from there, but I honestly think it is the end of the road for me and this car. I have gave it more attention then I have myself in the last month and all it wants to do is give me crap. Not to mention during this deployment, I just feel like I am really living alone and no matter how hard I try I just keep getting screwed. I have been saving money for Jeremy this summer when he comes home so he could have a good time. Honestly every penny I can without making it rough on me and the kids. I do things ever now and again because I too still have to live, but I wanted it to be a good time this summer when he came home. Now this stupid van is ruining everything and if I could find a trash can big enough that is where it would go. I just want a good car, and a safe car for me and my kids and every time I think we have found one someone screws us over. Buying new is about my only option because I am so scared of used cars now that I want to kick something, but then I would hurt myself. Also it never fails the time I need Jeremy to call home he don't. It's really one of the most frustrating things I have to deal with, that is not being able to just call and ask him what he thinks. I just have to make the choice myself and pray to God I made the right one. Tonight I just feel like I am treading water... and I am honestly scared of what they are going to say tomorrow when they call me about the "LEMON"... but for now I think I need sleep. 1 month 11 days.... bookmarked <3

Wearing your husbands rank? WHAT?

Something that always gets me is when I see a wife that thinks she knows everything because her husband is an E-7,or E-8... really My E-5 has been in as long as yours and done 3-4 different MOSs... I never claim to know a lot but it really ticks me off when I see "OLD" wives giving wrong info, this is NOT 1905 anymore, and another is when a wife wears her husbands E-7 E-8 ranks... are you kidding me? You are NOT him, you didn't earn that rank, so step off your high horse and look in the mirror because guess what your civilian married to a soldier! Your a spouse just like us all and you live the same life we all do. I could careless what your husband has on his chest, you put your pants on just like I do. I am NOT being disrespectful, I am simply being honest. People are really weird these days... Now on with my day... it was warm and sunny today! We played outside all day and the kids were out at 7pm. I talked to Jeremy online today I got to see and hear him... I miss him so much and I can't wait until he is here with us. Goodnight <3 Bookmarked 1 month 10 days

Feathers anyone?

So because we had the robbing issues yesterday, I left my dogs out when I left today in the house not kenneled... They were fine from 11-5pm. I came home let them out and fed them and then left again to go to my friends house. I was gone for awhile and when I came home Toby had tore a whole in my down feather comforter... when I opened the door it scared the crap out of me... I was wondering what the heck happened. Then I saw the blanket in the floor... hahaha it looked like someone killed a chicken in my living room. I had an ok day today... I got my hair done, and the kids were at Day Care playing all day so they had fun and I just got some me time which was nice. I love my family and my friends... I don't know what I would do without you guys! I am headed to bed... Bookmarked <3 1 month 9 days

My husband is fighting a war and I am scared to be in my own house...

Today the people across the street house got broken into in the middle of the day. I never saw a thing, or heard anything for that matter. They kicked in the back door, kicking right on the deadbolt. They stole all their electronics, money, jewelry, video games and systems...bank information, file cabinet and anything the couldn't really pawn they left. I was honestly fine in my house alone until now. Tonight is rough. I was blow drying my hair and the dog walked up behind me and I thought I had a heart attack. Jeremy told me I should have bought a gun before he left and I kept telling him I would be fine not to worry and now I am scared out of my mind. I think I want that gun now. I just don't get peoples way of thinking sometimes at all. My husband is fighting a war and I am scared to sleep in my own house tonight. NOT they way I wanted to start off this deployment at all... So because of this I have put almost every piece of furniture in front of my back door and front door and my dog is sleeping in my bedroom. Thank you stupid people for ruining about the only thing I felt safe with right now. Bookmarked <3 1 month 8 days

Doorbells?

So I fear my doorbell... yes that is right I fear the sound of my doorbell. Tonight we were told we lost an Eagle Sergeant Vincent L. C. Owens, 21. He was a motor transport operator assigned to Forward Support Company, 3rd Battalion, 187th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team. I would have never seen this but I have Fort Campbell, KY on my facebook page and as I logged in I saw that he was killed Monday. You know it is going to happen but you always just pray it doesn't. I do not know him personally, be he is still a part of our army family and it breaks my heart to see someone give the ultimate sacrifice. Tonight I will be short and to the point. I miss my husband and I just want him home... Seeing stuff like this makes me so sad. I love you Jeremy! And for the young wife and family of SGT Owens all I can say is thank you and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Bookmarked <3 1 month 7 days







March 1, 2010
Sgt. Vincent L.C. Owens

Sergeant Vincent L. C. Owens, 21, of Fort Smith, Ark., died at Forward Operating Base Sharana, Afghanistan, of wounds suffered when his unit came under direct fire in Yosuf Khel.

He was a motor transport operator assigned to Forward Support Company, 3rd Battalion, 187th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team. He joined the Army in August 2007 and arrived at Fort Campbell in January 2008.

Owens’ awards and decorations include: Army Commendation Medal (2 awards); Army Achievement Medal (2 awards); Valorous Unit Award; National Defense Service Medal; Iraq Campaign Medal; Global War on Terrorism Service Medal; Army Service Ribbon; Overseas Ribbon; Combat Action Badge; Driver & Mechanic Badge with Driver – Wheeled Vehicles; and Weapons Qualification: M4, expert. He was posthumously promoted from specialist to sergeant.

He is survived by his wife, Kaitlyn Owens, of Fort Smith, Ark.; mother, Sheila Real, of Spiro, Okla.; and father, Keith Owens, of Missouri.

live like we're dying

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up
We're hiding behind skin that's too tough
How come we don't say I love you enough
Till it's to late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come
And we could make a feast from these crumbs
And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you,
What would you wish you would've done

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbye
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution,
There is no one on the line, yeah

we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying


"I heard this song today, and it fit" I have no words for you tonight, I know that is odd Christina has nothing to say...This brings us to 1 month 6 days... Goodnight...bookmarked <3

Think before you speak... I mean hit enter

I will be honest here this has been a hard thing for me. The whole think before you hit enter thing that is. I am sure if people thought about it the way I am now I think you would all agree you wouldn't say half of what you would normally say if you honestly believed you might never see that person again, or not be given the chance to fix whatever went wrong. Jeremy and I have been through a lot... a relationship that totally looks like one heck of a roller coaster ride, probably too scary for the normal person to get on. I have said my fair share of things that I would take back 20 mins-1 hour later, but when your typing and something goes wrong they log out you can't type to them and that is that... Your left sitting waiting until that next phone call, the next time they log in, hoping praying that they get to call you again, or log in again. It just kills you on the inside... He is stressed, I am stressed and when one goes to vent and the other tries venting at the same time, well it blows up. There is no way to control it, and in a matter of moments there is no way to fix it either. Yes this has happened... But what I have learned from the mistake is honestly think before you speak... think before you type and hit enter because that maybe your last breath, that might be your last sentence on the computer screen and would you want it to be your last? Jeremy and I had a thing (which I honestly miss) that is when we were mad at each other he would say he was sleeping on the couch, about an hour into the night (that is about how long I would wait) I would send him a text message and say I don't care if your mad I can't sleep come to bed. (ok now you can laugh) hahahaha now that we have that out in the open, one night I was really mad and to see how long it would take I chose not to text message him. I finally fell asleep and I woke up the next morning to find I had slept alone, funny someone else was still up, I asked what his problem was he said "I sat here all night waiting for a text message and I couldn't sleep" (ok now you can really laugh because I did) I took those times and they are now memories, good times I had with my husband that I would give anything to get back. Please just next time you go to say something to someone you love... THINK... I try to make myself everyday... <3 Bookmarked

Life is truly one big dance...

Today I watched my youngest as she stepped into the world of ballet. She is terrified to learn something new. She was scared to let go of my leg for 1 minute just to point her toe with the other kids and follow her teachers foot steps. She stood with her finger in her mouth for over 15 mins just staring as her teacher and I loved her legs and arms for her. Then I saw she was starting to pay more attention to the teacher and I slowly moved towards the door. I was out and she was inside finally without me. She looked around and couldn't see me anywhere but I could see her. Then the tears started to flow but she kept moving her feet and was just pointing for me to come back inside with her. As I watched this all happening I thought of myself and my heart broke for her. She was me in this whole deployment thing. Jeremy has always been there, he has showed me the ins and outs of the military. He has told me everything good and bad from the very start. Sometimes this was good and other times it was just things I didn't need to know until now. I am actually very glad he tells me every thing, because I know his side and I know how he feels. Back to the point of this blog now that I have wondered away from my story. Masa was me today I have followed Jeremy for so long that when he "left the room" I was terrified, scared I couldn't do it alone, scared he wouldn't be there to move my feet so to speak. And now I am looking at him behind a glass, the tears still pouring down my face, but my feet are still moving. Then today when I opened the door and went back in the room where she was doing ballet (the class was now over) She ran up to me so happy that she had completed the class and said mommy I am a big girl now. I just hope by the end of this deployment I feel just like she did today. Life truly is one big dance and you honestly learn as you go... Bookmarked <3

Personal

“Many people ask me how it feels to be the wife of a soldier?" I can sum it all up by saying it is "PERSONAL" It is "OUR" story, it is "OUR" life, it is "OUR" Sacrifice, it is "OUR" lost time...This deployment is directly pulling at who and what we were, who we are today and what we will become. For Jeremy he is stuck in survival mode, just getting through each day is a scary, almost uncontainable. The only outlet of compassion is me, the only place to vent is in my ear... Sometimes a punching bag is what I become. I can honestly say this has pushed my limits, and I bring you to 1 month 3 days. Personal... In 1 month 3 days I have learned that living out our vows, is overwhelming, important, and real. For Jeremy it is physically and emotionally, and for me it is psychologically and emotionally. In all times good and bad he is my husband and I am his wife, his job is to survive the fight and get back to us... My job is to survive and be ready for his return. Holding down the home front is a struggle all of it's own, learning to do things alone is a task that I honestly figured would be easy. Yea, not so much...We have to hold our marriage together even at a distance and still figure out how to be together even when we are apart. Rough...We have to stay true to each other even though we are going through this long, very long separation,living two different lives as one. This is our story, our history, our legacy... Personal



The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. — Psalm 103:8


I want compassion, I want to be gracious, I wish I was slow to anger, and I want the love for my husband and kids that is so abounding that I can't contain it. PERSONAL.... Bookmarked <3

1 month 2 days

If I sit and think about my life so far, everything is a blur. What have I done, what have I said, what did I mean, who did I meet and where did I go. I have done a lot in my life, I have said a lot believe me I have a hard time keeping anything inside, I have meant a lot of what I said and there are moments I say things I would never mean, but it sounds good at that time... I have met a lot of new people, some I wish I would have never met in the first place and others will be my friends for life... I have been in more states then I think I have ever wanted to be or ever thought I would be in my life. I have learn to live in one spot for less than a year, make friends in less than a week, unpack a house in less then 24 hours, even pack up and clean a house to military code to move out in less than 24 hours, But what have I really done? Who have I become? I can feel myself changing, becoming more closed off and stuck to the people that live in my house with me. Maybe that is because my parents were never really family people, and I longed for that as a child... Or maybe it is simply because I love what I have and I want to press myself as far into them as I can before my time runs out. My best friend left Jan. 25th 2010 that would make it 1 month and 2 days into this thing I call hell with orders. This is awful, one of the worst things I have ever felt in my entire life, yet on the other hand it is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will just keep the title hell with orders because it has put me and my best friend in places we have never dreamed and made us do things that we would have never normally done... we are made to do things and keep going because we have no choice. There is NO changing your mind it is simply not an option. I have felt everything I could possibly feel ever all in one month. I miss him at moments so bad that I lose all functions and I just sit and stare. I am pasted the crying stage I am totally numb. Other times I walk around like I have been doing this for years. Feeling these feelings and having the thoughts I have I now call "AWBS" Army Wife Bipolar Syndrome... It fits! I have never been the type to wake up in the middle of the night but 3 nights ago I woke up for no reason, kids weren't up nothing, so why was I up? I hit my phone to see what the time was 3:51am... So I laid there and I stared off for what seemed like forever, than I really felt weird like I was suppose to be doing something... something said to me you need to pray for him... I am not a prayer, this has to deal with my childhood as well, thank you mom you ruined that part... but anyways I did it. Then the next day I didn't hear from him.... 48 hours later he called, now I know why I was praying, but we won't go into that... It is funny how God works and how things happen for a reason. Jeremy and I have always had this thing, we always jump into everything with both feet, and when you think normal people wouldn't make it, we always do. We have been in some VERY bad places but we always remind each other we will make it through this too. So my eyes are closed and I have jumped... now if I only had a fast forward button...... She types her life away in some random place.... He has my heart and I will see him again..... bookmarked <3